I'm having one of those nights

I have no idea who to talk to about this.

I want a boyfriend and apparently the only way to get one is to change.

But in my mind to lie about who I am is only going to end up in heartache and a break up.

I am up front and assertive. Is that a bad thing?

I ask questions. Is this a bad thing?

I'm mean looking and cold but it's just who I am.

I don't want to conform to peoples ideas of socially acceptable behavior so that I can get a guy to like me.

Does that make me stupid?

Do I deserve to be alone? Maybe I do.

I just don't understand. Isn't that the point of being with someone? Them loving you for exactly who you are.

It just seems weird to censor myself.

When I meet people for the first time I'm not asking them if their parents beat them or anything. I just want to know the things that they like.

What am I doing wrong?

I learned to never drink with my dad again.

Conversations like this make me feel worse, like I am too weak of a person to change and the reason that no one wants me is my fault. Which in a way I guess it is.

Does it occur to anyone that things don't happen the same for everyone? That love isn't made for everyone. That I will be alone for the rest of my life because I decided to be who I was.

I don't want someone who is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking for someone that likes me for me. That likes that I like what I like and that I am who I am. I just want to date someone that is passionate about something and that is okay looking. I'm not going to lie, I want someone okay looking.

My eyes hurt from crying. I shouldn't be writing this stupid fucking blog.